My Lullaby of You Page 19

  The crowds were thick at the Chicago Theatre as people waited in line for CDs and to meet me. It still took me by surprise at how many people already knew who I was and knew my songs. I sat there, my mouth sore from smiling, signing CD after CD. I searched for Amy every once and awhile, but I knew she wouldn’t be here. I still looked just in case. The crowd was dwindling. It had to be at least midnight by now. I spotted a group of three girls standing off to the side waiting for my autograph line to end. They continued standing there for half an hour longer. As I signed my last CD, they approached the table.

  “Let me just say,” the middle girl, very petite with blonde hair, began to say, dramatically putting her hands on the table. “You were amazing.”

  “Cassie.” The girl on her left said through clenched teeth. She was taller with straight black hair. I suppressed a laugh and smiled as the girl continued. “I mean, really, I just came for the main band but damn, you are really good.” She giggled and shook her head. “I just had to let you know that.” She finished. The taller girl rolled her eyes and stood in front of her. “I’d like a CD, please.”

  “Sure,” I said, taking one out and pulling out a sharpie. I glanced up as she took out her wallet, which said SAIC on it. I stopped writing for a second and glanced at the girl. “You go to the Art Institute?”

  She nodded. “We all do,” the girl, Cassie chimed in. I continued writing, suddenly getting an idea. “That’s cool, what are you majoring in?”

  Cassie answered first. “Fashion Design, but they are both Architecture majors.”

  “Really?” I said, feeling a little bit awkward, but so curious that I had to find out. I handed the girl her CD and smiled at her. “I have a friend that goes there that is majoring in architecture.”

  The girl raised her eyebrows, “Really?” she looked at the other blonde and then said, “We probably know her, all the architecture majors are in the same building. What’s her name?”

  I hesitated, wondering if I should do this. “Amy,” I said, “Amy Williams.”

  Cassie squealed and the other girl shot her a look. “She’s my roommate!” Cassie exclaimed, hardly able to contain herself.

  “Cassie, calm down.” The girl said, giving her a hard look.

  “She is?” I said surprised, I was not expecting that. What were the odds?

  Cassie nodded. “Yeah we are practically BFFs.” She said.

  The other blonde groaned, “You do realize you sound twelve?”

  I smiled, looking at the girl with the black hair. “Can you do me a favor…” I trailed off.

  “Melissa,” the girl finished for me.

  “Melissa,” I repeated, I reached back for a CD and scribbled something on the inside cover before handing it to her. “Can you give this to her?”

  She nodded, studying me. “Sure.”

  “Thanks,” I said smiling at all of them, knowing they were all wondering how I knew Amy and why I was sending her a note on the inside cover of my CD.

  They nodded, and Melissa added. “You were great by the way.” She started walking away, the other two following suite.

  I nodded. “Thanks.” I looked after them, wondering how that could have happened in a city this big.

  I collapsed on the couch backstage, before heading to the tour bus to sleep. We had another show tomorrow night and I wondered if Amy would come after getting my CD. If she didn’t, I’d go find her.

  “So, this girl,” Phil said, walking in the room, “the one your songs are all about…” he tailed off, looking at me. I didn’t say anything.

  “Did she come?” he asked. I looked up at him from the couch. “She’s in Chicago right?”

  “Yeah, she is,” I said finally, “And no she didn’t come.”

  “Huh.” He said, giving me a look. “You ready to go?”

  “Yeah, I’m ready.” I said, getting off the couch and following Phil out of the theater.

  CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

  Amy

  Knowing that Cassie was at Seth’s concert was killing me. It was already past midnight and she wasn’t back yet. I’ve been to concerts before and they never lasted that long. I was starting to regret my decision to not go since it had been way more of an effort to keep telling Cassie I didn’t want to go than it would have been to actually go.

  I also didn’t want to admit that after all this time and with John back home, I didn’t have many reasons to still be mad at Seth. Somehow, it seemed easier to just let it go, even though living that theory out was proving to be really difficult. I justified my decision based on not wanting to have to explain to Cassie how I knew him and all that. It was complicated, and I preferred to keep complications in my head where they were safe from others’ opinions.

  Sarah was an exception, though. I needed to talk to someone about what John had told me, that Seth was the reason he had come back home, and what Paul had said about things that were not meant to end. I couldn’t keep it all inside me anymore. So my conversation with Sarah had lasted about two hours. Mainly I talked, and I also cried a little, but it felt so good to get it out there. So good, in fact, that I felt like I didn’t need to go to a concert and feel worse again. Except for this whole business of sitting here alone all night, pretending to be sketching when actually I was waiting for Cassie to come home. It was torture.

  “Come on, Cassie, where are you?” I said aloud in the quiet dorm. I sighed. Just then, I heard footsteps approaching and the door opened.

  “Unbelievable! Oh my god,” Cassie was saying.

  Mel followed after her. “Honestly, Cassie. You made a complete fool of yourself, and he’s not even that famous.”

  Cassie just laughed giddily. Mel glanced at me and said. “She did.”

  “It was horrible,” Tina said, appearing behind her.

  I raised my eyebrows.

  “Oh my god!” Cassie exclaimed. “You’re here!”

  I blinked at her. “Yeah, I live here.”

  “You have so much explaining to do!”

  “Excuse me?”

  Mel groaned and then threw something at me. It fell into my lap as did several organs. It was Seth’s album.

  “What—” I began.

  “The inside cover says it all!”

  Great. I lifted the CD and looked at Mel. “Do you mind saying something that actually makes sense?”

  Cassie wandered off into the bedroom. Mel shrugged. “We went and waited for a signed CD. The guy saw my wallet and asked if we knew you, and guess what! Cassie is your roommate, so he asked us to give you a CD.” She pointed to the CD like I didn’t know what it was. “I told Cassie not to look at what he wrote, but you know Cassie.”

  Right.

  I turned the CD over and scanned the list of songs. I wasn’t sure why I was angry all of a sudden, but I was. I took a deep breath and put my stuff back in my bag. “I’m going to bed,” I said. I grabbed the CD and walked out of the room, leaving both Mel and Tina gaping at me.

  Cassie came out of the bedroom and I walked around her, shutting the door and locking it. I switched off the light and slid to the floor. The darkness comforted me as I pulled my knees to my chest and laid my head between them. I could hear Cassie talking to Mel, and I knew they were probably discussing me. I didn’t care—they could make their assumptions. I lifted my head and picked up the CD off the floor. The moon spilled a streak of light and I used that to study the CD. The cover was Seth at the piano with the words, “My Lullaby of You,” written underneath. I turned it over, recognizing most of the songs except for four of them. It was almost funny how most of the songs were love songs or songs about a girl. Me. The Seth that I had first met despised love songs, and yet here was his first album, full of them. I smiled. He would have still been lost if it wasn’t for me. I hesitated at opening it, wondering what I would find in the inside cover. I took a deep breath and opened it like ripping off a band-aid.

  I’ll be waiting.

  I wasn’t sure exactly what I had been expecti
ng the note to say, but those three words weren’t the ones I wanted.

  Why? I wondered. What for?

  So many months, so many secrets, so much of everything that had been eating me up all this time, and that’s what he says? I didn’t want him to wait for me.

  I found the backstage entrance easily enough. It was the only entrance that had a huge bodyguard in front of it. Everywhere else was crowded with people an hour early for the show, waiting to be let in to find good seats. When I walked up to the guy, he stood a little straighter and asked if he could help me.

  “Yeah, is Seth back there? I need to give him this.” I held up the CD. He looked at it, then at me, giving me a curious look. It did look odd, a girl returning the artist’s album back to him. The guard reached out to take it and I hesitated. “Could he come over here?” I asked. “I’d like to give it to him personally.”

  The guard opened his mouth to speak but was stopped by another man. “Is there a problem?” he asked. I opened my mouth to begin my explanation, but the guard said, “She wants to give something to Seth personally.”

  The guy studied me, giving me the once-over, and then said, “Wait here.” He walked backstage and disappeared. The waiting was making me anxious, and I almost handed over the CD to the guard and left when the man reappeared with Seth behind him. I saw him first, walking, his eyes looking elsewhere, distracted. He hadn’t changed much except for his hair, which was longer than I remembered. He seemed a little thinner, if that was even possible. When his eyes met mine, I could see the surprise on his face and he slowed his pace. I didn’t smile; I was too nervous.

  Seth walked up to the rope separating us and said, “Hey.”

  “Hi,” I replied, trying to sound more confident than I really felt. All I really wanted to do was jump into his arms. How could I still feel so strongly about him?

  He smiled a little and looked at the bodyguard. “Let her backstage.” The guard hesitated, and then unlatched the rope.

  Seth turned to the other man. “Phil, this is Amy,” he said, putting a hand on my back slightly. It was barely touching me, but it still sent shivers through my body.

  “Amy, this is my manager, Phil,” he said to me.

  I smiled finally. “Nice to meet you.” I shook his hand and wondered if he could feel my trembling. Phil looked at me intently, and then I wondered what was going through his mind. Had Seth talked about me?

  “You have twenty minutes,” Phil said to him, and Seth rolled his eyes and looked at me. “Come on.”

  He led me through a hallway and then a small room. I looked around, noticing a mirror and dressing table as well as a couple of guitars and a couch.

  He stood there looking at me, waiting for me to speak.

  “I came to give this back to you,” I said, handing him the CD. He looked at me and then at the CD. He shook his head. “No, that’s yours.”

  I sighed, frustrated. Didn’t he get it? “No.”

  “Why not?” he asked.

  “I just…” I began, trying to find some explanation.

  “What do you mean you’ll be waiting?” I blurted out instead. “I didn’t come to the beach. I haven’t been answering your texts or calls. It’s hard enough, Seth. You’re this now.” I gestured to the room. “You know this can’t work.”

  He studied me before taking a deep breath. I could tell my words stung him, but the more I thought about trying to make this work, trying to fit myself into his life, the more sure I was that I was doing the right thing.

  “I don’t know that.” He took the CD from my outstretched hand.

  I stood there and looked at him, his eyes boring into mine. He stepped closer to me, and I searched his eyes for something I would recognize, something familiar, the comfort barely there.

  “And you don’t either.”

  I swallowed hard and closed the space between us. His arms wrapped around me, and I clung to him, leaning my head against his chest. He was breathing heavily and his heartbeat was quick, pounding through his bony chest.

  He placed a hand on my head and leaned in. “I miss you so much,” he whispered in my ear.

  I didn’t respond, swallowing, trying to keep the tears from falling.

  Phil stepped in just then. “Seth, five minutes.”

  Seth nodded and then looked back at me as if memorizing my face.

  He touched my cheek, letting his finger linger on my jaw line. “You should stay for the show,” he said quietly, almost timidly. He wrapped my hand around the CD and turned away before I could protest.

  He headed toward the stage; I let out my breath and watched him, the crowd cheering. He snuck a look back at me. “I still mean it.”

  He nodded toward my hands and I automatically clutched the case tighter.

  CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

  Seth

  I sat backstage, my head in my hands, trying to make sense of it, of anything. She hadn’t stayed. Why had I thought she would? I knew she still cared for me. I could feel it, but she was just so damn stubborn and afraid that she would never say it, never say how much she was hurting,

  “There you are!” Phil said, walking into the room. “I have good news!” he said smiling, patting me on the shoulder.

  I didn’t say anything, waiting for him to continue. “This tour has been so successful that the label wants to stretch it out another four months to tour in Europe,” he said, laughing. “And guess who they’ve requested to go on along?”

  He waited, wanting me to guess. I didn’t, although by the look on Phil’s face, I already knew.

  “You.” He laughed. “You’re going to Europe, Seth! Isn’t that great?”

  I forced a smile. “Yeah, that is. It’s amazing. Thank you.” I tried to sound happy and excited, but Phil could tell it was forced.

  “You all right? You seemed a bit off tonight,” he said now, concerned.

  “I’m fine,” I said. “Just tired.”

  He nodded, starting to leave the room. “Oh, and Seth?”

  I looked up at the doorway. “Yeah?”

  “She came finally, right?” he said, giving me small smile. “All hope is not lost.” He winked. He would quote one of my songs and use it against me.

  I shook my head and snorted. “Thanks, Phil.”

  He laughed. “Be happy! You’re going to Europe!”

  I stared after him, nodding my head. His words or my words, in a sense, echoed in my head. I looked over at my guitar and got up.

  Twenty minutes later I was in front of Amy’s apartment building at three in the morning. I felt like a creep looking up which dorm hall was for freshmen, but I was running out of ideas and time. I had no idea which apartment was hers, and really I had no idea what I was planning on doing out there besides freezing my butt off. This wasn’t a movie or a fairytale where I would yell and Rapunzel would let down her hair.

  Still, I looked up at the building, noticing a couple of lights on. I sat down on the nearest bench and continued to watch the row of lights, figures pacing between them. I watched as one figure came out onto the balcony and looked down at me. Even from down here I could make out that curly hair.

  “What are you doing out here?” Amy said, a few minutes later, walking toward me. She kept herself at a distance, her arms wrapped around herself, probably already freezing in her sweatshirt and sweatpants.

  I took a deep breath, getting to the point right away. It was too cold to play stubborn.

  “You left.”

  She nodded.

  “I can’t keep doing this,” I said. “All this silence, not knowing what actually happened between us,” I said. “It’s just…”

  “Suffocating,” she finished, stepping a little closer to the bench. I nodded slowly.

  She stood there a moment longer, looking at me, and then sat down next to me on the bench. “Apparently, you’re amazing,” she said, breaking the silence.

  I cracked a smile. “Well,” I shrugged. “It was only a matter of time.”

  I
sighed, getting serious again. “We can make this work,” I said, so confident that I was right.

  She stared straight ahead and pulled her knees to her chest, looking up at the building. I followed her gaze and noticed a figure standing where Amy had been pacing.

  “Your presence is driving my roommate nuts,” she said. “I am going to have a lot of explaining to do when I get back up there.”

  I grinned, and slowly put my arm around Amy. “And what are you going to tell her?”

  She rested her head on my shoulder and whispered. “I don’t know.”

  I didn’t say anything, just looked out in front of me, ahead. Who knows? I thought to myself. There was no way to know, really; we just have to try and give it our best shot sometimes. Life was like the ocean: always changing, always moving. It felt dangerous to let anyone come and disturb its peace, let them join in and tag along, riding the waves, whether big or small. You couldn’t say for sure whether you might regret it. You just had to make your best guess and have a little faith.

  I knew I needed to tell Amy about Europe and about so many other things that I had kept inside all these months, but I didn’t. I knew Amy. I knew that this was her way of giving in. I knew she had all of it inside her too, that it really didn’t matter what I said to her now. She didn’t want to share stories or explanations at this moment. She didn’t want any of that. She wanted me. So I lifted up her chin, brushed her hair out of her face, and kissed her.